Wow - Its been a month since my last post. Back to work - trying to get back into the swing of life but I feel oh so foggy still. My life is generally chaos but I think I'm used to it ~and it helps that I have so so many great people in my life that are there for me when I need them most. Especially my mom and mother in law ~I'd be totally fucked without them! So Thank You Momma's - I Love You both dearly. The one good thing I can say is that after something like this happens you kind of lose all stupid fears/stresses of anything going wrong in your life. Whats the worst that can happen when the worst thing possible has already happened, you know?
Today would have been our 2nd wedding anniversary~never would have I imagined what was in store for me that perfect day in 2007. It doesn't get easier as most may believe; instead it gets to be a gentler kick in the junk - but only sometimes - many other times it still feels fake - like no way that really happened. Seriously. But the reality is people dont tolerate those negative thoughts. They want you better. Your supposed to mourn your loved ones in x amount of time and then be normal again. Just the way it is. Maybe for them, but not me...maybe its the widowed in my twenties thing. I don't know how to deal with death either - you kinda just have to figure it out when it happens to you and I guess that what I'm doing. Writing online helps. Maybe for some its church, meetings, loneliness, partying, getting into another relationship or a combination of everything, etc. Try not to judge a person going thru something like this~everyone will have their own way and they need to (as long as their not really harming themselves-then you absolutley should help). I dont want you to think Im depressed ~I mean, obviously a bit, but Im doing okay ~more like sluggish and not all there~ I hang out with friends and family, spend time with my little princess, drink maybe a bit more than I should sometimes, and just try to figure out a bit more about life and how to be a good dad. I need to figure out who I am without Amanda~very difficult when I spent my entire adult life with her~ I'm, in a weird way, excited at the unknowing adventures that lie ahead. Our lives were so planned out and everything we worked so hard for was just coming all together. We were at the very beginning of what was supposed to be our lives as grown ups. Make no mistake, we absolutely enjoyed ourselves and spoiled the shit out of each other during the last 9 years and I have not one regret along that journey. That love we created will never go away~
But now ~never, ever, have I been walking so blindly. But it feels good to not have a plan for once. God has a way of saying fuck you and your plans. You can work really hard for money but it will never buy the time and true happiness you gave up. Make someone else happy - that's worth more than a couple bucks/stress. There is obviously a message in that and thats life~keep the important things, the really important things, at the top of your list. Dont sweat the stupid shit that we all stress about everyday that in the grand scheme of things are meaningless. And dont wait for a catastrophe to realize what's important. Let them all know it. All the time.
And lastly~a pic of Gianna holding my new license plate up~think of that Pink Floyd song...