One year ago, I was spending one of my last nights in the hospital with Amanda before she became outpatient and we "moved in" with my parents given their proximity to the hospital.
Our days went something like this: Wake up around 6am when the nurse came in to take Amanda's vitals, call the NICU with our secret code to see how Gianna was doing (we were in two different hospitals), walk to Dunkin soon after for my iced coffee, get breakfast, log in to my pc to try to work for a few hours before chemo at 10am, get a "pass" to take ourselves to the NICU to spend lots of time with baby and then sometimes even go out for dinner. I was recently telling someone the story and they were shocked to hear it all happened in less than 5 weeks. Normal life one day, you have cancer, check into a hospital now phone call the next, Gianna born 3 days after that 10 weeks early and Amanda gone a month later. Really. I cant stress enough how weird everything seems. I'm really trying to figure things out and luckily I have Gianna to keep me plenty occupied and amused but.... I've been overloading myself with "stuff" to keep me busy; work, mba, baby stuff, going out etc etc but am I just delaying something? Who knows. Progress is a weird thing. I had a lot of random live feeling flashbacks not too long ago; I described them to someone really close to me as nightmares, except I'm awake and they are real...
I want to write about the last day we had together. But not today...